To be totally honest, J and I have been trying for 20 months to conceive. These efforts have resulted in 2 miscarriages, but no baby. As a result of this, I've experienced all sorts of thoughts and emotions. First of all, I realize more and more what a miracle life is. I haven't really been angry, sad a little - especially with the first miscarriage - and a little depressed. Since November, 15 of my friends have had babies; six of those were coworkers all due within 6 weeks of my original due date. Lots of people have asked me if this was hard for me. It seems like it should have been, but it really wasn't. I was genuinely happy for each of my friends, and found it difficult to be angry or hurt that somehow they've been able to achieve something that I haven't (yet) - each little life a miracle.
I'm kind of wandering here, but it all connects in my head. I guess what I want to say is that over the past month or so, I've really felt like God was challenging me with a question: 'Will I be okay if we never have children?' I've always imagined my life with kids. I really want to be a mother, but as I look at my life I think I could be content without them. Life would be really different from what I always thought it would be - but when does it ever turn out the way we plan?
Believe it or not, this post isn't really about whether or not J and I can have children. It's about my heart and my head and my attitude towards life. When I die, I want to die as the whole, complete person Christ has made me. I haven't been living like a whole person, though. I've been living like a person with a hole in my life. There are things I've put on hold because we're trying to have a baby and I realize that I can't do that. I have to live my life.
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